I shouldn't talk about money but I'm really pressed, two credit cards and a loan to pay off an older one, or half of one I have through a consolidation loan, wonderful interest rate, I'm trying not to use the cards any more, except for things like a date then there is Rx to take care of and well now I need linseed oil so I can start painting again. It's really difficult, it's hard to go out and have some fun. There are lots of free things to do though, I have a museum membership, not free but once a year, The library, wandering around with a camera with film I've already bought that's in the fridge, Though it will take some time before it's processed or it sits at the film processor for six months or so before I can pick it up, that's the way it is currently, unless someone wants to hurry that up a little. My budget is limited and I refuse food stamps I don't like the government just printing money, or making it just appear out of nowhere, I don't want to be apart of that, it seems to me that the government is covering up what has really happened by conjuring up billions of dollars for relief. Here I am on Social security it's a difficult position. Billions upon billions to shore up the economy and they want Health care for everyone...I shouldn't have credit cards at all being on Social Security but I'm resolving that. The government comes up with all this money, where does it come from? OK, I guess we can thank our future generations and so we all need to do our part, have babies.

The Declaration of Independence: A Transcription

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Bought two T-shirts for three dollars each, one had a tag on it listing it for twenty six dollars, the other equal in quality. Good heavy cotton.

The T-shirts are 2X Large I’m pretty sure, they looked big for being larges. I’m reading: A Life of John Calvin, a fascinating look at the 14th, 15th, and 16th centuries, world politics and religion. My Bioness L-300 is charging for my appointment I have to start using it again. New cloth covered electrodes instead of rubber, which I was allergic to. I’m really curious, and excited about this, I wonder what difference there will be in sensation compared to the rubber electrodes. I hope it’s not a hotter feeling or stronger jolt.gzzzzz-gzzzzzz-gzzzzzz over and over with each step. These nerves are an extension of my brain so I’m jolting an extension of my brain, I wonder what repercussion or ramification this might have if any at all? I think my neurologist didn’t really like the idea, actually kind of thought it was a bad idea. The brain is an inclusive entity, the whole nervous system. We are a walking brain! Difficult day little bit tired need to clean up the drawing I did on Saturday wont take much like the drawing one of my better.

! I was just thinking about when I first moved into this building, I remember it was the guy who lived two doors down (it was his pleasure palace), at night the girls were singing out their orgasms, not just moaning but singing out as loud as possible. The girls in the office wanted the 4th floor (my floor) to be clothing optional. It was common to see windows wide open (the inside courtyard) and naked bodies were everywhere it seemed. That's all changed. None of these things are going on now, the guy two doors down is gone too. What a difference it is now. I had no idea this building was this way when I moved in, I think it was considered a brothel by many. I had no idea!

In regards to my Uncle Richard and Aunt Susan’s family I think they have really had the cart before the horse for a really long time, a person should not count their chickens before they’ve hatched. Let go of what they don’t have, it’s not there’s.

I hurt myself all that candy and doughnuts and cookies, I wont have enough for milk and cereal this month, and what about bread? I have drawing money for tomorrow and an extra ten to pay back for the bounced check, already paid ten for the rubber check, twenty out of my own account too on my side of the transaction. Last month was a bad month. I got my prescriptions too. I opened the bag of iced lemonade cookies, I better put them away before I eat the whole thing or bag. And no milk! What was I thinking, cookies without milk? Constipation is what I’ve asked for here, and it’s what I’ve got after those cookies and dinner. Lost my glasses and found my glasses, I hate doing that, slipped behind my bed. Uncomfortable to say the least, and thinking about my last post, I wish I hadn’t, I fear I confuse the State with my Aunt and Uncle I don’t know where things are coming from. Do I owe the State an apology? I’m not sure, it’s hard to determine. I don’t know the repercussions of what I’ve written on Lj. It’s open to the public and I hope I haven’t caused a problem. Dick and Susan are so close to the State I believe, in their connections and dealings, so it’s hard for me to discern.

Thursday, October is here, another year in progress, my years begin on September 22. A strange change of which not every one understands, including I think, the State, they are ignorant assholes. They fail in their policy, in their thought, in their work. They trigger problems and then I imagine find it funny. What do they want? A murderous rage, Is this what they try to accomplish? They think they can push people around and interfere in their lives. Let it go, let it all slide off nothing they do can stop me in my pursuits, and I let it fall off, it breaks over my rock, my persona. I do have difficulties. All is not easy it doesn’t just glance off without affect it builds up slowly changing the terrain of thought, infusing it with pain and unwanted delusions. I must look at everything thrice over from every angle to understand the situations and move forward properly. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes wrong, always searching for the peaceful path. Wanting to be secure in myself, strong, deliberate and fast acting, I fall short I know. Bring my smile back, the feel good attitude, the happy attitude that let’s you know I’m glad to be here. I should be able to encompass others and encourage and guide in their pursuits and aims. This is that which I am.

Clean this room I think to myself, yesterday I got started, found my alarm clock, threw away some old paper work, put my electric typewriter away, put my Lap top in my book self (library) pulled it out this morning, I feel trapped by the TV, the internet, I just lay in bed lethargic, I need so much to finish cleaning this room, bathroom and kitchen too. I'll sand more on my painting, take another layer off. I have not photographed in a week or more I have not drawn in two weeks, I should start back up my project of 800 5"x7" paintings, I must have about 700 more to go. I feel no where I am, nothingness wraps my being, searching for a toe hold my hands weary, searching I will not fall, or fail. In myself I know, I'll lift out of this. On the edge of the abyss, family holds me safe, even though they know not. The path is wider and surer than they realize, or I.

(If) I'm not seen here on jimrein I can be found at lowermeadow I need to strengthen my fortification and determination.
Peace be with you

I have this strange funny queer feeling I’m being parodied on someone’s porn site. There she is some naked enchantress playacting out my words of thought. My Live journal site really is not looking so well at the moment, but how should I manage this? Should I follow this track? I’m not registered or logged in I don’t pay money for looking at porn I might find this site… how can I know? Plumes are on the stove cooking 2 1/2 quarts worth, I worked out this morning now I need a shower and maybe I’ll sand my canvas. I’ll go and work out again at 1:30, I’m doing twofers at the gym. My plumes look to watery, I used only about 1/2 an inch of water in the pan put some sugar in I’ll see, this is a first, I was a virgin at plumes I’d like to try cherries next. Hmmm…..I’m handicapped surely this shouldn’t be to big a factor, and who’s surely? She must be near by. I’m worried this track of words; surely. To close to Shirley, and sure as in being positive or sur as in that surly brut? I don’t like this there is to much to be offended by or confused by and today is my day Sept 22, seven years since my stroke today. Eight years and eleven days since 911. That was a bad day seven years ago and eight and eleven. I felt like I was reliving 911 the week of my stroke. There was a lot going on, never mind…too much.

I’m listening to some music which gained it’s title from the composer writing in the margins, saying, “Life is just a prelude to death”. This is a thought that needs some contemplation. Maybe some meditation too. I wish I hadn't posted this, Tears and Laughter and Laughter and tears. I do as well as I can. I think every one does.

I hiked to the pole building yesterday. A deck has been built by XXXXX, in the field in the back by the tall Douglas fir trees. I walked on and found myself blocked. Trees pushed over right across the path. I found my way over with some difficulty. I walked on and quite a distance before the real obstruction presented it’s self. Trees and debris had been pushed down onto the road blocking the way. The old road was not far away though a little further in. 30 or 40 feet maybe more down the slope, I walked I slid on my rear I worked my way there. The going was then not easy an old overgrown road with some confusing misleading leads and mostly old dead blackberry vines interfering with the way, it was not so difficult to stop me or discourage me only to heighten my determination. It was so overgrown I did not even see the pond in the bend. Walking on I went some distance and came to a small clearing, I found I am full of pessimism and I thought I’ve become a pessimist, I’ve been too close to my Mother I think for everything or every other word has always been; no, no, no. Yes came with difficulty, remorse, and unsuredness. The pole building was not there I could not see it. I had walked quite a ways and thought this appropriate distance for the forest had filled in so much failing to recognize where I was discouraged I walked around a little and in my walk trying to keep balance and upright I looked and saw and there it was further in maybe 50 yards more or so. Looked the same older though, the stairs up to the entrance deck were rotting and decaying uncared for the past seven years, I did not go up and in but sat on the stair and rested. The door might be locked so I chose to stay where I was and call Mom let her know I made it in and then frightened her telling her I didn’t know if I could get out the way being blocked. It took almost two hours to walk in and it would really take longer to get out. We were supposed to be at the farmhouse at 4-5 and I was in need of a shower and rest. It was 2:15. I hiked up the trail and came to the fork in the road, I followed the way toward the way out for a short distance. I came to a new road that had been pushed in by someone trying to put houses on the property illegally, I stopped this when I contacted -------- and talked to +++++. I’m sure this is what stopped the development, He found out I knew what happened in my transaction. ------ said ---- my brother was the developer, I thought it was SSSSSSS and XXX, or the person that bought ----'s property the guy in the mansion I helped build and almost had the contract for. That’s a story in it’s self. There has seemed to be a lot going on without my awareness or notification as if I’m not a part of anything really, he’s just handicapped and not working is there attitude? I work harder than they realize they show no respect and are a disgrace to my being, that angers me terribly I don’t like it at all. I frown at them and yet they see my smile. A sad state to be in surely I’ll find my way through this on better ground, in better standing. Look at a garbage heap and see a beautiful garden. Disorder turns the mind in most they don’t know what it is or how to respond in naivety, ignorance.

My gosh, I get home from the family get together and my ears get blown out by the fire alarm here in the city, it just turned off thank god, I hiked in it's still there, had no idea, the road is blocked no access but I know a way and get there any way. Only way out was to the house straight up the hill. I really worked my glutes am I sore. It was nice to see every one, I'm breaking out on my wrist I wonder if I found the poison ivy, could be. I knew it would be there, I just had to walk the land and see, it's growing, the forest is filling in. I'm exhausted. To tired to do anything but sleep good night

Sunday; I'm here at Mom's, I sat in Dad's chair out in his office in the back of the garage, I built for him an office for him to work in, when they moved here 1992, a place of his own in this house for the two of them. I see the plaques commemorating his achievement for Jantzen inc. 1968; 100% club for boys wear and Men's sports wear. He spent 30 years in the condition I am, stroke immpaired left side a little worse off than I am, he had trouble with his vision and seemed hurt more than I, he had family of 6, and to lose ability to take care of his family in the way he desired believed and not be able to achieve his dreams was hard for him as he cared so much for others, though in his Reinhart way or German way tough with heritage and the old ways and his up bringing from the depression era. It's peaceful with window looking out toward the garden.

I spent my drawing money on 2 gallons of milk and a loaf of bread, I got 3 cents back. I missed TBA, I'll go to see the ongoing showings of what was. Things are so tight, it's difficult to contribute toward my leanings. My own work sags badly. I've reined myself in though, It will take some time, uneasy it seems dealing with my own (extended) relations not in conjunction with my family outlook. I need more contact with my own family as it is as well. There is so much to do and yet I do little except to consider or contemplate the place I occupy in this world, and how I might better my position in my own offerings of time toward the visual arts. I still have much study to accomplish, to pursue. Perhaps it will be simply my own gain or accomplishment hidden from others to see or know of, but I press on in my work.